Play Calvinball

First and foremost, Today is Tomorrow. And Matt Shiel has got an interesting little noggin on him so I recommend cracking it open and feasting on the delicious inside.

Then, (and I know he'll approve cause he got me into this),

Idiocracy: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/

So, this is a movie that was only released in about three cities, yet stars Luke Wilson and is written/directed by Mike Judge. If you haven't seen it, I recommend downloading it and giving it a whirl. [UPDATE: Start here, Idiocracy 1 and then look for the following sections of the movie from the same contributor].

While the delivery is sorta slapstick and borderline absurd at parts, the message is very legitimate and even foreboding.

Anyway, I found this link on Fark, comparing Bush's State of the Union speech from Monday to President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho State of the Union Speech from 2505. The parallels are.... eery.

http://fascistadmin.com/miscellany/sotu_translation/

On a complete random note, Now for something completely different (yes, this is a Monty Python reference).

So, after years and years of jaywalking and crossing streets without the little blinking man, I came up with a system.

Well, it's not a system but more of a... condition.

Okay, so here's a diagram for simplicity's sake.


Yellow Thing: A car, driving on the right side of the road (like we do... in AMERICA), driving from the right to the left.

Red and Blue Arrows: These are the two options you have for crossing the street. (I know this is very complicated, try and keep up). So, if you're used to running across the street when the blinking hand is at one, then you've probably been accustomed to what I like to call, Strong Side or Weak Side walking.

The Blue Arrow represents Weak Side walking, because when the light turns green for Yellow Thing, he has to wait for you to cross the street.

The Red Arrow represents Strong Side walking, because when the light turns green for Yellow Thing, he has to get the car going and make it through the intersection before he hits you.

This may be a stupid thing that people already know but no one has quantified it before and given it a name. So, there ya go. I gave it a name. Strong Side and Weak Side walking...

PS Another movie everyone / no one should see is "Fortress." It's terribly awesome: A Prison of the Future. A High-Tech Hell. Built to Hold Anything... Except an Innocent Man.

Translation: Anything is better than Sammy Hagar. (Remember 4th grade math? Yeah, that '>' thing means greater than).

To begin,

1. Van Halen is awesome.

But HOLD ON a second. This statement needs clarification.

1a. Van Halen is awesome... between 1972 and 1985.

1b. Van Halen sucks... between 1985 and 1996 because of...

Sammy effin Hagar. Hagar the Horrible is his real name.

Nails on a chalkboard + Fran Drescher = Sammy Hagar

The above is the audio-only track of Running with the Devil sung by Sammy "I took Singing Lessons from a Cement Mixer" Hagar. (Sidebar: I know Runnin' with the Devil was written in the DLR period [David Lee Roth] but this rendition I assure you is by Haggard, I mean Hagar). It's worth a listen only for how absurd it sounds without instrument accompaniment and also the sort of things that emulate from this guys voice box are borderline inhuman.

There really isn't a number two to this post; I just think it's important for people to understand that Van Halen and Van Hagar are two different entities and need to be treated differently. The former, with respect; the latter, with a taser to the funbag.

P.S. THIS is a music video. 'Hot for Teacher.'



P.P.S. While perusing Wikipedia for "accurate" dates and information, I found this tidbit that makes me want to watch Cartoon Network that much more:

"On Cartoon Network in the late 1990's there was a series called The Justice Friends, a group of superheroes who exist in the universe of Dexter's Laboratory. One of the main characters, Valhallen (a contraction for Valhalla and Van Halen), an axe-wielding Viking God of rock with Southern Californian mannerisms, is a melding of Norse God Thor and Eddie Van Halen. His axe is shaped like a guitar to re-enforce this."

So, it's been going on for about three months now and after the initial shock of it all, things have begun to settle down... except for the comedians who are barging in on shows and acting ridiculous, most notably Will Ferrell...

http://www.glumbert.com/media/powerlunch

And Tracy Morgan...



Unfortunately, despite these spontaneous comedic outbursts on unsuspecting morning shows, the Writer's Strike doesn't seem to have the effect that the SAG was hoping for. In a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly (which gets sent to our house somehow), a poll of EW Readers (always a reputable source of information) shows that most people are watching less television because of the strike.

Now that's probably the point of the strike, but it could come back and bite them in the ass if this results in people finding television alternatives, like say READING. By the time this whole mess gets resolved, America may have already moved on to a new way to kill time.. say the Wii, or kite-flying. And that may or may not be a bad thing. A way networks are getting around the Writer's strike is creating more reality based television, stuff with no writing, limited expense and you get actors for free. It's an economical decision... and it's gonna continue to work as long as people keep watching it.

The problem with reality TV is that... it's engrossing for certain people. For the most part, there will be one or two shows that someone can get into and watch (while I was in NP, it ended up being Rock of Love on VH1 {Don't judge me}). The other 200 reality shows could die in a fire for all I care but the networks found one that worked for me and I am guessing that's how they stay in business. In addition, reality TV is a loose term and applies to game shows (Deal or No Deal) and competitions (American Gladiators) and those are still profitable cause you don't have to pay the schmoes who are on the show.

I have no outcome for this, don't know a lot about the strike besides the fact writer's are pissed about not getting paid for their material that is on the interwebs, and hold a silent vigil praying that reality TV slowly fades away like the fad it is. Will this happen? Doubtful. However, I think there are alternatives to this, like...

An R.Kelly 'Trapped in the Closet' Sing-a-long!

So last Friday, Shiel and I head to this club off this little street in the Financial District for a Trapped in the Closet sing-a-long, showing all 22 chapters. They had a free gin tasting for the first hour so it worked out pretty well and was the best $5 admission I've payed in a while.

This magical evening starts off and it's sponsored by the SF Film Society (nerds). Then the TITC aficionado/MC gets it going with a little R.Kelly 101, 'Bump & Grind' and 'Sex Me', just to get the juices flowing (That's what she said).

We hit the ground running into Chapter 1, complete with bouncing ball subtitles at the bottom of the screen. Nothing is more awesome than hearing 200 people belting out R.Kelly. So we get to the end of the third chapter and right as the last line goes off, Henry (the MC) shoots off a little hand cannon, littering the air with condoms that have R.Kelly's face on it and || "OH MY GOD, A RUBBER!" (Rubber) (Rubber) (Rubber) || If you don't know, find it online here:



So the show goes on, and it gets interspliced with a shot-by-shot recreation of the movie by some kid from Atlanta who, by the end of his shooting, ended up playing all the characters because his friends quit the production. There was also a Trapped in the Clauset, revolving around a love triangle of Santa, Mrs. Claus and Rudolph. The claymation creators were there, definitely tried to pull off the "Look how cool I am" persona and got subsequently put in their place by Henry.

After some more chapters, and a little hamming it up for the audience, it was time for the final chapters that were just released. And WTF. These things started getting so nonsensical, and that's saying a lot if you've seen TITC. The mot appropriate line of the night was "R.Kelly is either a creative genius or a retarded child-molester. But either way, he is the greatest at whatever one of those he is."

The show ends with a rousing and uplifting edition of "World's Greatest." Motivational, catchy and left everyone feeling happy about themselves. Siggghhh....

Then Shiel's house flooded.

THE END!

In case you missed this at the Alumni party...


Heard some good stuff about the weekend. Let me know how it went.

Oh, why couldn't I make it? Broke... and instead, went and played beach Ultimate in Santa Monica. And got to see Spurrrrrz. Can't pass that up.

So... apparently William Shatner apparently was batshit crazy and actually did this at the 1978 Science Fiction Awards.

This is so painful to listen to it's incredible. It's great when the 70's porno bass section comes in and adds some class to the whole listening experience.

Enjoy... then listen to something real.

So, I thought this was tonight, and then was given the rude awakening by Shiel that it's not for two weeks.

http://sfist.com/2008/01/09/its_baaaackkk.php

Trapped in the Closet. Sing-A-Long.

Apparently this is like a huge thing that people are all about. Already on the list to get in so it should be a monumental evening.

Poll Question: On a scale of 1-10 how ridiculous is this?

Yes, you read that correctly. Everyone is a light bulb.

So I thought of this recently and I'm not sure how much I am gonna be able to bring out of this idea but I'm gonna try and hit the ground running.

There are many different types of light bulbs. You have your run-of-the-mill standard 60W light bulb you get at the Dollar Store to shed some light in your dingy studio apartment. Then their is the bright fluorescent tube found in your office that cast a "Stop Playing on MySpace" light on you as you kill time at work. Or, (because things work in threes), the Search and Rescue light that finds the stranded camper on the mountain.

Now, each and every person is a type of light bulb.

Some are simple, to the point and classic:
Some are complex, advanced through science and efficient:



And some are just pretty to look at, but don't offer too much light (like this Christmas light):


Obviously, more type of lights exist but you get the point I am trying to make.

Though this metaphor can be taken many different ways, I am using the structure of the light bulb to represent knowledge, intelligence learned from someone or some place. Now, I'm not gonna get all Kantian and talk about a priori crap cause it's not necessary. Simply stated, the complexity of the light bulb coincides with the amount of intellect you have acquired.

Here's the important point: A light bulb is worthless if it's not on.

It doesn't matter how expensive or complex the bulb is if the darn thing doesn't have power running through it, producing light and lumens. The most complex light in the world is useless if it's not on and functional.

I am therefore gonna call the power to a light someones brightness (clever, huh?). By that I mean any number of things, like his intuition, common sense, awareness, or ability to read people. We've all met someone who's extremely book smart but a social moron, a dim bulb (sorry, I had to). They can recite every Constitutional amendment or Kepler's laws but don't seem to have a grasp on things. This would be the Off / 9W 15,000 Hour Compact Fluorescent Cool White Bulb, with the Off standing for not bright and the 9W 15,000 blah blah blah standing for it's intelligence.

I'm not too sure where I am going with this because it just sprang in my head as of late. I guess the point I am trying to make is that in my own preference, I'd rather be the 10W Bulb that is running at full power then the fluorescent light that lies dormant and unlit.

To find out what type of light you are, consult http://www.buylighting.com/

PS The more I think about this, the more I am beginning to see the slippery slope I may be riding. Can someone increase their power input? Where does this power come from? Isn't it possible for a complex light to exist without being bright (Translation: Can't someone who is book smart still survive and be prolific?)
PPS Am I going to address these things? No... Well, maybe later.

So, this is the best Looney Tunes cartoon ever created. It's one of those that you remember watching and know it's funny but forget about it down the line.

It's called 'Duck Amuck' and I am glad that my little sister reminded me of it.

And she also pees her pants watching it and there's nothing better than watching someone lose it through laughter.

The Top 25 Calvin & Hobbes Comics

http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm

If that doesn't work, try this one:

http://home.comcast.net/~travelingfreakshow/fark/calvinhobbes.htm


It's not much, and soon enough I'll start writing on this thing more but it should pass the time for now.

PS If anyone sees a book or collection of all the Calvin & Hobbes strips, send the link my way. That and the complete series of The Simpsons (once it ends) will complete the requirements of me never leaving the house again.